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A big hope I had coming here was that God would give me more direction (mainly vocationally). That he would allow me to taste what walking in the the rhythm of gifts for Kingdom is like. I don't know how I will be able to tell, but I know that I'm not doing it yet. I feel like I'm wasting my time. There's this kid walking around in the mall right now with his pajama's on, drinking a beer (it's 3pm). Sometimes, I fall into feeling like that with God. "Lord I'm doing nothing for you, I'm wasting my life." Finding the line between being and doing is hard. I know and see God doing an awesome work inside of me and I know that he's really transforming me, but I seem to constantly have this weight hanging over me saying I need to find IT (the good works that He prepared in advance for me to do). 

That's the heart I brought over. 

All the other interns seem to have their IT at least somewhat clear to them. "God's called me to be a pastor," "I feel called to worship arts, counseling, youth ministry..."

I tried to explain it to pastor Rod when he asked me "So what's your plan?" That's my least favorite question right now. 

He could tell that I was confused and searching and so something that he told me was that God's not ambiguous about things like that. He's not out to confuse us. If we're in it for Him and are willing to be obedient to Him at all costs. Even when He says, "Billy, I want you to go live in a tent in the muggiest, hottest, poorest country in the world and start an excrement refinery - single." 
God is not opposed to revealing to us what He's up to if our heart is right and ready.  


So I've come to start thinking that He might not share it with me as "Billy, I want you to be a plumber, or a teacher, or a pastor, or a professor." I need to be ok with that. I need to come to a place of not only being able to say with my head but also with a deep contentment in my heart, "God, I would love it equally to clean the bathrooms at McDonalds for the rest of my life, or be a teacher. What are place, pay, coworkers, and reputation compared to knowing You? 


I'm not there. But I want desperately to be.