Before the time arrived for me to preach, I was in the youth office, pacing back and forth. I was slightly worried and afraid. I kept saying to myself,
What am I doing?!
I am not ready...
I can't do this....
Maybe I should just not speak and have everyone do a Bible study."
It was difficult because I was so convinced that I couldn't communicate, let alone talk to the youth. I mean, this was the first time I'd be speaking in front of younger group of people. I got scared that I wouldn't be able to connect with them effectively.
So, I'm pacing back and forth in the office. I take a deep breath and walk into the mini auditorium.
8:3o AM. First service.
Here we go, Zachary. Brace yourself. Get ready.....
During worship, I'm just praying intensly,
"God, help me to love these youth. I love them so much and I want to speak your message to them whom I love very much! I can't speak unless there exists in me a genuine love for them."
Aaaaaaand it was okay. I struggled a bit with trying to speak and connect with the youth. So I got some help from Pastor Jarrod to sort of "beef" up my message and make it more engaging to the youth. I got help from a Ashley, who made some PowerPoint slides and Preston helped me switch to a Lav mike.
10:00 AM. Second service.
I'm again in the youth office, pacing back and forth. And I feel a tinge of failure and regret going on in my mind,
"Zach, you could've done better. You could've done better! You need to be more prepared! Get a hold of yourself!"
So I kept praying and crying out to God (coincidentally, my message was on James 4:8, drawing close to God in tough times).
So I take a deep breath and head back into the mini auditorium.
And worship this time was a different from the first service. I could feel the Holy Spirit. It was heavy and deep in the room. It was so powerful and heavy, that one of the kids fell down and collapsed onto the ground. It alarmed some of the kids who tried to help him up.
I was the back and thinking to my self,
"God, what is going on? What do I do? Am I supposed to do something to help him?"
And I just got a ,"Just leave him there. Let the Holy Spirit work work in him right now."
So I got a little freaked out, as this was right before I got up to speak!
But after finishing speaking, I was shocked by how things flowed more smoothly. I talked to some of the youth and they said, "good message!" or "I liked the message!"
And lastly....11:30 AM. Third service.
Instead of going back into the office before I was to speak again, I waited in the lobby of the church. I was just pacing back and forth there.
"God, this is the last service today. I need you to be here and help me with this. I can't do this by myself!"
Pacing back and forth...and then I finally entered the mini auditorium.
Now, I found out that one of the friends would be sitting in the service and wanted to hear the message. This made me worry a little more, because I thought,
"Oh no....am I going to preach it well? Will he be impressed by the eloquent points I make? I don't him to think I'm a heretic or a false teacher spitting out lies, haha."
But I just pushed those thoughts aside and just preached.....
It was over. Finally did it!
After finishing up, the LORD spoke to me and said,
"Zach, do you understand why I had you preach? You could have spoke more eloquently, you could have done a better job, you could have included more humor and illustrations...but the main thing I wanted you to do was to speak the message I had for them. Even if it was for one person or 20...I just wanted you to speak the message I wanted you to speak.
There were some lessons I learned from today:
1) I still need to work on my preaching and communication skills. Wow, I still have allllllot to learn and practice!
2) I can't do it by myself, as it is the Holy Spirit who works in me. I can try to preach eloquent sermons, but that will never reach, teach, or speak to people's hearts.
3) I need to make sure I have a genuine love for the people/audience that I will speak in front of. If I lack that, then I don't deserve to be in front of them speaking.
4) Ministry is draining. After speaking through three different services, my voice was a little strained and my body was exhausted.
5) God will prepare me ahead of time when He wants me to minister or speak. I may not recognize it or I may think in my mind that I'm completely lost and unprepared, but God will prepare me in time for His timely message.
This experience has really helped me understand a glimpse of what ministry is. And despite all the hard work, stress, and the times that God brings me to step out way beyond my comfort zone....
I am satisfied and enjoy it. God has called me to a calling and life of full-time ministry.
I'm willing and ready, Lord. I'm willing and ready. :)
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